Having been born and raised in Oklahoma—“Home of the Red Man”—I have always had some appreciation and understanding of the Native American history and culture. As we know, the story of so-called American Indians has, in many ways, been tragic….one that is filled atrocities that included the introduction of catastrophic diseases such as Small Pox, a disease previously unknown to the First Peoples. The land of Native Americans was confiscated, with Indians following a “Trail of Tears” of relocation to places like Oklahoma. Despite the cruelty of this past, the cultures of the scores of Native American “tribes” remains a treasure in many places in America. It was only after my sister married a member of the Chickasaw Nation (One of the so-called Five Civilized Tribes), did I delve into Native American affairs in any way.

It was just last week, that I had the honor to marry a young man who was a member of the Cherokee Nation. This union offered me the opportunity to do a bit of research on Native American marriage and courtship rituals. Certainly, the particular customs vary among the various American Indian Nations. But for couples wishing to pay respect to their Native heritage, many options exists. A helpful book by the late Leslie Gourse, Native American Courtship and Marriage Traditions (New York: Hippocrene Books), offers a variety of suggestions ranging from Native garments, rituals, dances, and music. Among the poetry selections included a Cherokee Prayer, perfect for this couple:

CHEROKEE PRAYER

God in Heaven above
please protect the ones we love.
We honor all you created as we pledge
our hearts and lives together.

We honor Mother Earth
and ask for our marriage to be abundant
and grow stronger through the seasons;

We honor Fire
and ask that our union
be warm and glowing
with love in our hearts;

We honor Wind
and ask that we sail through life
safe and calm as in our father’s arms;

We honor Water
to clean and soothe our relationship
that it may never thirst for love;

With all the forces of the universe you created,
we pray for harmony and true happiness
as we forever grow young together.

Amen.

Many resources exist for those seeking to learn about Native wedding traditions. The recently opened Smithsonian Institute’s National Museum of the American Indian is a perfect place to start.

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I, personally, have long been a fan of golf, not only as a complicated sport, but one that is filled with tradition, symbolism, pageantry and dignity. Golf is not a simple endeavor and most people who have played are struck with the ups and downs of their skill (and handicap). Golf, in general, doesn’t afford us the luxury of consistent improvement, rather—like life—unexpected challenges present themselves, perhaps when we least expect them. The typical golfer, who routinely keeps his ball in play in the fairway, may be surprised when he suddenly begins to develop a nasty slice. So too, a productive marriage that happily moves through time may, on occasion, come upon an unwelcome and inexplicable problem. To move through both sets of challenges, it takes time, patience, and a willingness to address the matter at hand, sooner rather than later. Like golf, when we stumble upon a vexing obstacle, in a good marriage we are afforded second chances—an emotional Mulligan, if you will. A kind, forgiving partner will routinely allow a gimme—assuming the best in his or her beloved.

Not only has golf been a game of gentlemen (and gentlewomen) over the years, even the casual weekend golfer is called upon to exhibit a level of respect and honesty. Whether on modest public links or a distinguished PGA course, innumerable situations arise that demand good judgment and a commitment to fair play. If a ball goes out of bounds, a true golfer will accept the outcome and uphold the commonly accepted rules of the game. In a good marriage, a well-intentioned husband or wife must always embrace fairness and own up to his or her part in whatever disagreement may arise. There’s no bending of the rules in a well-played golf game, and no emotional cheating in a mature marriage. An esteemable golfer will be considerate of others—making a tee time, for instance, or allowing other to play through when he is slow. He will leave a hole in the same fine condition he found it, fixing his divets along the way. To my mind such an orientation is akin to a kind husband or wife will be mindful of treating his partner with empathy and respect.

Golf, at its best, embodies humility and a willingness to learn and change. The prudent player will seek the advice of those with wisdom—whether it be a coach, club pro or Harvey Penick’s Little Red Book. And in marriage, the best lessons we often learn are from the loving marriages we saw as children. And, when something isn’t working, a serious golfer will honestly assess the situation. When reviewing video of a long held swing, he will be willing to try a different approach. Just because some grip or stance has been a lifelong habit, it just might not the best choice for a more productive outcome, anymore. In marriage, thoughtful husbands and wives will evaluate a marital impasse, and consider altering their style of communications and relating.

When I was coming up, we had an expression “Drive for show, and putt for dough.” A golfer at any level will enjoy enormous satisfaction from hitting that sweet spot on the club, yielding a long, straight drive and set up for the next shot. But it is with the finesse and prowess of his short game that he will save strokes and lower the all-important handicap. In marriage, as the writer Wilferd Arlan Peterson says, “The little things are the big things.” Grand romantic gestures have their place, but it is daily acts of kindness and generosity that are the foundation of a happy home.

While many consider this an individual sport, the opportunities for true partnership, shared values, and common objectives are innumerable. The interdependent relationship of a golfer and his caddy can be heartwarming. While one is in the lead, he willingly consults his partner and takes seriously advice that is offered. I suggest to you that the format of the scramble is one that is replicated time and again in marriage. The team prospers by capitalizing on the strengths of the individuals. Over time, reliance on those advantages goes back and forth—with one partner taking the lead, and then the other. But, always they are working in concert for the benefit of the couple and family.

A joy of golf is its reverence of history—all that has come before. Whether the fabled Green Jacket at Augusta or the homage we pay to Bobby Jones, it is important to recognize the sport in the trajectory of its rich history of centuries. And so, I invite you to prepare to exchange vows, promises offered by untold generations before you.

In 2000, Harvard Professor Robert Putnam wrote the landmark book Bowling Alone. A rare piece of academic work, Bowling Alone actually seeped into popular culture. Putnam uses an array of indicators to measure the social “connectedness” of Americas (including our participation in bowling leagues, believe it or not). Voluminous data series support a conclusion that we already know—these days, Americans are less connected to their communities and extended families. The list of factors contributing to isolation is long but includes sky-high divorce rates, geographic mobility of individuals and families, the fragmentation of extended families, and declining affiliations with communities of faith and ethnic origin, among others. Despite Putnam’s exhaustive and compelling study, I believe that weddings provide a momentary pause in the inevitable descent into social isolation…..weddings offer a rare chance for people to physically re-connect with loved ones and, sometimes, even reach back for lost cultural traditions, even if they are small.

The other day I was having an email exchange with a bride who was marrying a fellow of Italian ancestry. She was interested in integrating “something Italian” into the wedding ceremony. Because so many traditional Italian ceremonies are intimately connected with specifically Roman Catholic services (this was an interfaith marriage, with the ceremony not conducted by a traditional clergy person), she was puzzled about what options might exist.

I did a bit of sleuthing in various books and on websites to find a cornucopia of small rituals that could be woven into any sort of wedding. For example, in Italy, little bags of almonds, known as confetti, are given to the guests after the wedding as keepsakes. The almonds, representing the sweet & bitter nature of life, should come in bags of 5 or 7 almonds, which are supposed to bring good luck. Likewise, I learned that some brides and grooms in Southern Italy break a glass at the end of the wedding day. Common wisdom says that the number of pieces that the glass shatters into represents the number of years that the couple will be happily married. And according to The Knot, the Tarantella—a stately and elegant courtship dance (which if not already, should be added to the repertoire of Dancing with the Stars required performances)—is commonly performed by the Bride and Groom at the reception. After finding wedding favors designed with beautiful Murano glass, made in Venice, I realized the list of ways that a bride could honor her groom’s Italian heritage, was limitless.

As something of a Communitarian myself, my hope is that these nods to culture during wedding planning can spark a sustained interest in family heritage. But it is nice to know that a celebration about love can, at least, open conversations about ethnic ancestry, ceremonial customs, and connections to generations past. And, on the eve of Thanksgiving, for that I am grateful.

From time-to-time I log on to the message boards on weddingbee.com. For those of you who don’t know, it is a no-holds-barred discussion of all things-wedding. I like to keep my finger on the pulse of contemporary brides. Wedding Bee has created an elaborate message board system with threads on dozens of topics (photographers, dresses, florists, etc) and also has message boards for brides in a particular geographic areas. These brides provide a treasure trove of information, even on the most arcane topics and delicate etiquette questions. I am quite certain that there are budding wedding planners among the “Bees.”

Of late I have found an interesting and compelling series of discussions about honoring deceased family members during wedding ceremonies. While weddings are joy-filled occasions, it is important for couples to remember those who could not be there, as well as those guests in attendance. So the question is—what sorts of ceremonial touches can be added to honor those who have passed?

A number of interesting ideas have been put forward: some brides light a candle in memory of the loved one, perhaps the candle is accompanied by a photograph of the individual being remembered. I have seen such rituals at the beginning of the ceremony and then referenced during the proceedings. One “Bee” said that empty chairs were being left in the front row at her wedding, representing loved ones lost. Each chair would hold a bunch of flowers. This made me think of a Scandinavian tradition where the bride has two bouquets of flowers—one for the wedding and one to be placed at the grave of the departed relative. Finally, many young women indicated that they were noting their loved ones in the program to be handed out to guests.

Perhaps my favorite activity that served this function took place at a young colleague’s wedding this summer. To honor the deceased parents of the groom, there was a butterfly release during the ceremony. According to some Native/First People’s folklore, when one whispers a wish to a silent butterfly, she carries that wish to Heaven. Guests were ask to take a moment, during the release, to remember the parents.

So while weddings are not ceremonies associated with honoring the dead, there are interesting and moving options to pay respect to loved one’s who are no longer with the bride and groom.

It is a wonderful thing to live in New York, the home of so many immigrants. There is simply no other place in America where one can find such a variety of people representing virtually every continent and culture. So, a good number of the couples that I marry, come to the Big Apple after a significant personal voyage…literally.

Olga and Maxim had their own heroic journeys to their wedding day. Both born in the Russian Federation, they met here in Brooklyn some years ago. (I cannot help but digress as we have just passed the 20 year anniversary of the falling of the Berlin Wall. I am quite conscious of the fact that during the old days of the “Soviet Empire,” my couple would not have had the opportunity to come to the United States—a triumph of peace and diplomacy, indeed.) In many ways their courtship was typical with long walks and conversations, shared interest in music, and the connection to another homeland. They did, however, face challenges of intercontinental separation, job changes, and immigration policies, but one thing they knew is that they were meant to be together. A month or so ago, Olga approached me about conducting a ceremony on the Brooklyn Bridge, a place of sentimental attachment to her. As a celebrant, I relish the opportunity to perform weddings in unusual venues. I am embarrassed to admit that I had never walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, so what better reason to make the trek than officiating a wedding, mid-point?

The wedding, on Friday the 13th, coincided with an unusually strong Nor’easter, with rain and very cold blasts of wind. Despite the frigid temperatures, our bride wore a classic, contemporary (and strapless!) dress. Both the “maid of honor,” her sister, and the “best man” were Russian. So, as we approached the vows, I passed the baton to the groom’s dear friend, who recited the vows to the couple, in their mother tongue.

The ceremony was private, just the five of us, and the magnificence of the bridge was not lost on us. As I said in their ceremony, “There are few vistas that are more intimately connected with all of the wonder and hope and grandeur that is New York. This bridge embodies the possibility of human ingenuity, artistic vision, cooperation, and dedication—all elements of successful lives and marriages. Moreover, the bridge is a palpable reminder of connections and transitions, between your lives, your original homeland, your families, and your future. This day and place is a threshold whereby you are passing from two individuals who are deeply in love to become a married couple and a new family.”

And so it was. When performing weddings in public venues, such as this, I always feel as though I am offering a blessing to the passers-by. Who, after all, doesn’t love a wedding? On a cold blustery day, to see a young woman, in full wedding regalia, her sister in a long, beautiful red dress, two dapper young men, and a very cold celebrant engaging in one of the most significant transitional moments in life…..it doesn’t get better than that!

It is the proposal—typically accompanied by the giving of a ring—that begins the engagement, a time of preparation not only for the wedding but the marriage. While I dare say that the typical American bride spends a good bit of time and energy thinking about her engagement ring, the ring vows and exchange during the wedding ceremony seem like a minor point in the entire affair. However, in a richly personalized ceremony, the symbolism of a ring can be nicely underscored.

The power and imagery of the ring is potent—the circle reminds us of the unending nature of love. It is with no beginning or end. The rings are made of precious metals to symbolize not only the value of the relationship but the strength of the bond. Since the time of the ancient Egyptians, people have said that the vein runs from the fourth finger of the left hand to the heart, explaining why most couples wear bands on that finger. These body adornments are the most immediate sign to the outside world that one person has made an enduring commitment to another.

There are many tidbits of wisdom and folklore surrounding the ring. My good friend Adrienne shared a fun little book with me, Happy is the Bride the Sun Shines On: Wedding Beliefs, Customs, and Traditions by Leslie Jones. Among the many bits of folklore she provides are the following……“The groom should make a wish as he puts the ring on the bride’s finger”……… “It’s lucky if the groom buys the wedding ring with money from the sale of something very dear to him”……. “The number of diamonds in one’s engagement ring is the number of children the bride will bear” ….“It is good luck to have one’s birthstone in her engagement ring, but opals and pearls are bad luck in the ring.”

Despite the standard format of most ring ceremonies, there are interesting “flourishes” one may wish to consider. For instance, more and more modern brides are wearing colored gemstones in engagement rings, which offer fabulous notions that can be incorporated into the wording. One of “my” recent brides received an engagement ring which included sapphires from the groom’s mother. To the ceremony, I added a bit about the meaning of this favorite blue gemstone: the sapphire, a precious emblem of heaven, virtue, truth, constancy, and contemplation.

Likewise if a ring is a family heirloom or was custom-designed for the couple, this is a wonderful chance to discuss the love of family or the intent of the bride and groom in designing and selecting the rings. (As I was writing this blog posting, I even noticed that a socially conscious bride and groom can buy co-called conflict free diamonds, from a progressive company, as advertised on the “Offbeat Bride” website!)

The ring exchange may even allow the community of guests to be involved in the ceremony. I recently led a community blessing of the rings at a modest sized wedding. As we prepared to begin the wedding, the couple’s bands were passed person-to-person to each wedding guest. Each individual held the rings in his or her warm hands for a moment, pausing to offer, in silence, a blessing to the couple. The rings eventually made their way back to the bride and groom, for the vows and exchange.

So, I close these musings with a suggestion to brides, grooms and officiants: the wedding ring vows and exchange, like so many other components of the traditional wedding ceremony, offer a unique moment to personalize the ceremony~

Last month, I had the very great pleasure to marry Cynthia and Fran, a lovely couple from Connecticut. From our first email exchange, I could sense that this was a special couple—gentle spirits in a sometimes harsh world. In all of our wedding preparations they were kind and gracious.

Cynthia and Fran represented a “dream couple” for any Celebrant…creative, innovative, and fun. Both were reflective and considerate and provided fabulous material to help me fashion a special narrative of their romance and path to the altar. It took a number of years for this love affair to blossom, but as I said in the ceremony, this couple embodied the age-old expression, “Good Things Come to Those Who Wait!”

A special ceremonial flourish was courtesy of Fran, who is of Filipino ancestry. From the beginning of our work together, Fran and Cynthia were clear that they wanted to pay special honor to his Motherland. After reviewing numerous ritual choices, they decided that they wanted to include a traditional “cording” ceremony as they took their wedding vows. Many ethnic and religious traditions provide colorful rituals to represent the union of a man and a woman (not to mention two families and potentially two cultures) in the wedding proceedings. In this sweet ritual, the mothers of our bride and groom lovingly placed a decorative cord over their necks. The cord was symbolically placed in a “figure eight,” representing the infinite nature of the new union—marriage is for all time. Moreover, the strength of the cord, as shown in the picture below, is a visual reminder of the power of the marriage bond.

The cording ceremony is part of a long list of unity rituals ranging from “handfasting” to sand ceremonies. I relish the opportunity to utilize the customs of the bride and/or groom’s ethnic background(s) during the ceremony. The expressions of love and commitment are limitless, and American couples are increasingly drawing upon the traditions of their countries of origin, yielding an expansive cornucopia of breathtaking ceremony choices. So for this lovely experience, I thank my bride and groom, their extraordinary family members, the staff of the Stonecroft Inn and such and Ian Pawluk, Photographer, in capturing the moment.

The gift of a Celebrant-led wedding is a personalized ceremony that reflects the uniqueness of the couple. I may be biased, but I think there is a natural selection process—men and women who seek out celebrants tend to be particularly fascinating people. We give our clients permission to go beyond the standardized “cookie cutter” ceremonies that are prevalent in popular culture. Rather, we encourage a dynamic, creative process and plenty of “thinking outside the box.” Such was the case with a beachside wedding in September for two scholars.

My couple had a colorful story and took great care in planning every aspect of the wedding, giving each detail, the processional, attendants, flowers, music, and apparel, their own imprimatur. Two ceremonial selections were especially compelling, I thought. The bride, originally from a central European country, had a number of her family members attending—some of whom had limited comprehension of English. As such, the entire ceremony was spoken in English and her native tongue. I would speak one paragraph, followed by the translation by a family member. It was quite touching to see the responses of the bride’s family when the words were read in her mother language. Even without on-site translation, bi-lingual components can be added to a wedding with the help of tools like online translation services. This wedding addition serves to honor the ethnic origins of the participants, in an unforgettable fashion.

Likewise, my couple selected an uncommon food-related custom as part of the closing portion of the wedding. While Western weddings place great emphasis on food and drinks, it is normally reserved for lavish feasts during the reception. However, a number of religious, ethnic and cultural traditions incorporate food rituals into the wedding ceremony. Perhaps the most familiar is the sharing of wine in Jewish, French, and Greek weddings. In Chinese weddings, two goblets of honey and wine are tied together with a red ribbon and shared by the bride and groom. Greek weddings may end with honey and walnuts on a silver spoon, a sign of sweetness and fertility. Certain Middle Eastern cultures will offer sweet milk and dates during the wedding. The list goes on and on.

So, after great consideration, my couple selected a ritual, “partaking of spices,” that is tied to Africa. Four small spice bowls were filled with the elements of life: lemon juice for sorrow, vinegar for bitterness, cayenne pepper for passion, and honey for sweetness. The bride, having spent considerable time studying in Africa, was quite fond of this idea. And in typical fashion, the bride and groom customized the ingredients to most closely connect with “their story.” The vinegar was exchanged for a stout Slavic spirit and honey was replaced by one of their favorite sweet candies. This part of the program was choreographed and narrated by one of their attendants. This was a fantastic ending to a superb wedding.

It is a real pleasure working with such an outstanding couple who have rich life experiences that can inspire a memorable wedding ceremony. I am utterly certain that this bride and groom will bring the same flourish and innovation to all that they do, personally and professionally. Peace and All Good Things!

Last month, I officiated the wedding of Ben and Jane.  Ben is a dashing member of the financial community here in New York.  From Britain, Ben reminds me a bit of James Bond (during the Pierce Brosnan years).  Jane is a willowy beauty of Chinese ancestry.  The two embody understated sophistication. Together we created a ceremony that brought together the best of both worlds, East and West, just like the bride and groom.

Their wedding was held in the W Hotel-Union Square in Manhattan.  As one would expect in a W Hotel, it was a sleek, modern building with streamlined furnishings and a minimalist design.  In speaking with John Benke, the account director, he explained that the building was erected in the early 1900s and was previously the Guardian Life Building, a landmark in the Beaux Arts tradition.  The area in which the wedding was held, unlike the overall décor of the hotel, was highly ornate with extraordinary marble and stunning ceiling adornments and fixtures–a real hidden gem and a remembrance of the building’s original grandeur.   The wedding decorations were relatively simple, letting the spectacular beauty of the room stand out. 

Like the location, the wedding was a perfect combination of tradition and modernity.  The couple used a classical string trio and a brief conventional ceremony.   In honor of her Asian ancestry, Jane used her Chinese name during the exchange of vows.   This gesture must have been touching for her family members.  One ceremonial element that the couple included was a signing of a ceremonial wedding document, following the vows and ring exchange.  Document signings are a fixture in traditional Jewish weddings.  The ketubah, a marital agreement, is signed by the bride and groom before the ceremony and is read out under the chuppah, the wedding canopy.   According to my celebrant colleagues, the signing of a ceremonial marriage license during wedding is enjoying renewed popularity.  This simple ritual is a striking visual reinforcement of the verbal vows taken moments before. 

Perhaps the sweetest bridge to the East in this wedding was the private tea ceremony held by the families of the bride and groom, earlier in the day.  In Asian cultures this is a most important feature of the union, where families meet to partake in a highly choreographed ritual embodying honor, dignity and family commitment.  (Even Ben was required to speak some Mandarin during the ceremony, which caused him a good bit of anxiety!)  In a time when the mantra of New York weddings is often “the bigger, the better,” it is heartwarming to know that for this special couple, it was the private ceremony that anchored the day. 

My hat is off to these two promising individuals who superbly designed their wedding to reflect their histories and sensibilities.  

Photography courtesy of David Myles Photography

I recently had the opportunity to marry a musically-inclined bride and groom. Jackie and Craig march to the beat of their own drummer, and their wedding beautifully reflected that fact. There was a subtle, sweet musical score that one could hear throughout the ceremony.

The couple met serendipitously at a concert in Ann Arbor, Michgan. They were at a local club to hear the “Dirtbombs.” After some flirtation and an exchange of email addresses, they met for a date a few weeks later. The rest, as they say, is history.

Jackie and Craig are not only music lovers, they are educators, too. A few years ago, they moved to New York to pursue teaching careers. Along the way, they formed a band “Rock ‘n’ Roll Monkey and the Robots,”made a home, and decided to marry. Clearly they were in perfect harmony.

This syncopated couple had a “Rockabilly” band at their reception. The lead electrical guitarist played Mendelssohn’s Wedding March as the bride was escorted down the aisle. While the rendition seemed more in line with the annual South by Southwest Festival in Austin, than suburban Long Island where the wedding was held, it was a perfect anthem for the couple.

As you can see from the photo, our off-beat bride let her creativity and personality shine through in all aspects of the wedding. Her sister, a design student in New York City, fashioned the retro-dress. Jackie bore a striking resemblance to the beloved Audrey Hepburn, don’t you think?

I am so happy when a couple like Craig and Jackie, who do so much for so many people, can orchestrate a wedding that perfectly suits their sensibilities. Bravo!!

Photo courtesy of Clint Spaulding.